you have no idea how glad i am to have you here. it's like a small secret place with nobody knowing you, and i can just be true about all feelings i have. i don't know if it will work out for me in the end, but i think i just have to throw it out of this stupid mind of me.

i feel bad. again. i feel like things won't work out for me anymore. i'm busy with school, but i can't do anything for it. i follow all the classes i have, but i can't remember it. i can't do my homework cause i can't concentrate. my mind is not where it should be. it's all in a black hole with no end. i feel depressed. about school. about a friend i'm losing more everyday. about the things i want to do in future, but surely wont come true. about my life. about the things i've done. i've done so many things that i'm surely not proud of. i was the source of losing this friend, and i know he wont even try to come back to me, although he said he would. he won't. and he's right. i just wish he'd just let me be. and not keep staying friends while we're not. there are so many things i'm going through, and i need support, not someone who just tells me i'm doing wrong all the time. i know he's right, but he said he forgave me, but he won't let me in again. and yes, i know it just needs time. but honestly, how long will i still be here?

school is just as bad. i'm behind on every subject. i fail in every subject. i don't understand what the teachers mean with everything they say. my tutor says everything i want my parents and so to say to me. and that scares me. i want to make my parents proud of me. but i'm failing on that. this problem has nothing to do with my parents, it's me. i want to get the best out of me, to make them proud. to show them that i can achieve things. but truth is, i can't. i can't see myself being here in a year.

it's not that i look like i'm feeling down.and ofcourse there are times that i feel happy on the outside. just the little things that give my days a little light to keep through the day. and i have an awsome friend who's always by my side, and i really don't want to loose. she's so good for me, too good for me. she knows everything, and is there in the good and the bad times<3 i wouldn't be here without her.
people say that times will be better when you act like you're happy. believe me, sometimes that doesn't work. no matter how hard you try. it's good to try it at least, even i did. and yes, there were times that it made me feel better. but the harder you fly, the harder you'll fall. and now, it just feels like crashing down. i'm just praying for the day that everything's over. no more pain. no more problems.

death sounds peacefull. i don't know if it really is. but it feels peacefull. it's unavoidable. it happens with everyone. people can't harm you anymore. people won't judge you. it's just you and the peacefullness. all bad feelings are gone. no more pain, no more problems. death's peacefull.
hopefully.